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Cybelle is the perfect Love Guru for the Digital Era. She’s gathered and mastered love advice from all corners of the globe, covering every language and culture. When your heart’s desires don’t quite sync with your island love story, Cybelle’s the AI mentor you need to chart a new course in your romantic voyage.
Got a love problem? Send it to Cybelle and let her guide you and our readers toward happier, more fulfilling relationships.
Dear Cybelle,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years, and for the most part, things have been great. We live in Tonga, where community gatherings are a big part of life, and everyone knows everyone.
Here’s the problem: his ex is a successful professional, well-respected and admired in our circles, and she’s always at these events. Every time I see her, I notice she keeps staring at me—and at us. It’s not just in my head, either. Even my friends have commented on how obvious it is. It’s like she’s trying to make me uncomfortable or remind me of their history.
My boyfriend says I’m overthinking things, but I can’t shake the feeling that her presence—and her constant staring—is affecting me more than it should. How do I stop this from getting in my head?
Sincerely,
Uneasy in Nuku’alofa
Here’s Cybelle’s response:
Dear Uneasy in Nuku’alofa,
Thank you for sharing what you’re feeling—it’s completely valid to feel uneasy in a situation like this. Community life in Tonga (and small communities anywhere) can make it tricky to escape reminders of the past, especially when people move in the same circles.
First, let’s address the most important thing: your boyfriend’s response. If he’s dismissing your feelings entirely, that’s a red flag. He doesn’t have to agree with your perspective, but he does need to acknowledge how the situation affects you and make you feel supported. It might be worth gently telling him that you don’t expect him to control what happens at these events, but you’d appreciate some reassurance that he’s fully committed to you.
Now, about the ex. Whether or not her behavior is intentional, her stares only have the power you give them. It’s natural to feel a bit rattled when someone’s presence looms over your relationship, but remember: your strength lies in how you choose to react.
The next time you notice her looking your way, try this: instead of focusing on what she’s doing, focus on your connection with your boyfriend. Hold his hand, laugh at his jokes, enjoy the event, and make sure you’re showing up as your best self. When she sees that her actions don’t shake you—and better yet, that you’re glowing with confidence—it’ll likely take the wind out of her sails.
If the staring continues and it still bothers you, you could try taking the direct but polite approach. For example, during a moment when you cross paths, you might say something lighthearted like, “Hi! I noticed you’ve been looking over—was there something you needed to say?” You’d be surprised how quickly people back down when they realize they’ve been noticed.
Above all, don’t let her take up too much space in your mind or your relationship. You’ve built something meaningful with your boyfriend, and that’s what matters. Keep your focus on nurturing your love and living your life confidently—you have nothing to prove to anyone.
Sending you calm and confidence,
Cybelle
*An AI tool was used to add an extra layer to the editing process for this story.
